Virus Jokes – Deadly Virus

Deadly Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Lawn Mower

Lawn Mower

Dad was up early Saturday morning mowing with a gas lawn mower around some trees near our pond. The grass was still wet from the dew, which made the slope he was mowing very slick. While lifting an evergreen branch, Dad’s foot slipped under the mower!

He was very lucky, the blade didn’t cut through his shoes. It did whack his big toe a few times before he managed to pull his foot out though.

A few days later, Dad was telling the story to a neighbor, and showing him his bruised and swollen toe. The neighbor took a close look at the toe and then said, “Looks like you need to sharpen your lawn mower blade.”

Medical Jokes – Medical Diagnosis

Medical Jokes – Medical Diagnosis

We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my co-worker came upon the following garbled
diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

Don’t step on ducks!

Don’t step on ducks!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St.
Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.
Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, young, very tall and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The man says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

SORRY I’M LATE

SORRY I’M LATE

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. “Mom, this is Susan and I’m sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I’m going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad’s car has a flat but it’s not my fault. Honest! I don’t know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don’t be mad, okay?”

Since I don’t have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. “I’m sorry dear, “I replied, “but you’ve reached the wrong number. I don’t have a daughter named Susan.”

“Gosh, Mom,” came the young woman’s voice, “I didn’t think you’d be this mad.”

Biology class

Biology class

Students in an AP Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: “Name seven advantages of ‘Mother’s Milk’…. The students had to answer all seven advantages, or he/she would get no credit. One thoughtful young man turned in the following exam

1. It is perfect formula for the child.

2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

3. It is always at the right temperature.

4. It is inexpensive.

5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6. It is always available as needed.

He got stuck and couldn’t think of another advantage. He had completed the rest of the exam. He knew how important seven points were toward the final score. Finally, in desperation, as the bell rang, and as tests were being collected, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

……………………. He got an “A

Last Will and Testament

Will
Last Will and Testament

Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece’s husband took the boy, Will, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will’s dad finally got him calmed down.

That’s when the Confederate general hollered, “Fire at will!”