Clean Joke of the Day - Buying a chainsaw

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?

Clean Joke of the Day - Passing a parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

Clean Joke of the Day - Caught stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

Clean Joke of the Day - My wife is missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Clean Joke of the Day - Idiots At Work

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Clean Joke of the Day - A teenage girl at the perfume counter

A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”. She says to the salesperson, “I don’t want to get emotionally involved…I just want to smell nice.”

Clean Joke of the Day - No UPC

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “Divider” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me “Do you know how much this is?” and I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened…..

Clean Joke of the Day - Couldn’t play without me

When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football team. They said I was vital to the game.
They couldn’t possibly play without me.
They needed me.
I was the only one with a football.

Clean Joke of the Day - DiverGuy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, […]

Clean Joke of the Day - LepechaunAugusta

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.
“I’m so sorry!” the man said.
“Don’t worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I’m a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. […]

Clean Joke of the Day - About Dennis Rodman’s Tattoos

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Life As A Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all
over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To “add/remove” someone in your life, click […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Printer Repair

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Systems Group

To: Management From: Systems Group
Re: Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
We are pleased to report that our staff has completed the 18 months of
“Y-to-K” work, on time, and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives,
and completely modified […]

Clean Joke of the Day - America online

Despite the near flawless achievements of nasa’s pathfinder mission, two
things caught my eye:
* There was a potentially significant modem-synchronizing problem between
sojourner and pathfinder early on in the mission. * The first images the mars
pathfinder transmitted back to earth came at a mere 2,250 bps.
Perhaps the scientists at jpl should use a local Internet provider instead […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Eclipse

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse
of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he’s captured by
cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he
plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he’s not released,
but […]