Saturday, February 13, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Buying a chainsaw

This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but why don’t you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day.”

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. “How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?” the man asks himself. “I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day,” the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. “The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer,” the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man’s claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, “Hmm, it looks fine.”

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, “What’s that noise?

Clean Joke of the Day - Passing a parrot

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.” Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”

She paused and said, “Yes?”

The bird said, “You know.”

Clean Joke of the Day - Caught stealing

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

Clean Joke of the Day - My wife is missing

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

Clean Joke of the Day - Idiots At Work

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

Clean Joke of the Day - A teenage girl at the perfume counter

A teenage girl shopped at the mall and stopped at the perfume counter. She sees, “My Sin”, “Desire”, and “Ecstasy”. She says to the salesperson, “I don’t want to get emotionally involved…I just want to smell nice.”

Clean Joke of the Day - No UPC

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the “Divider” looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me “Do you know how much this is?” and I said to her “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t think I’ll buy that today.” She said “OK” and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened…..

Friday, February 12, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Couldn’t play without me

When I was a young boy, all the other kids insisted that I was in the football team. They said I was vital to the game.
They couldn’t possibly play without me.
They needed me.
I was the only one with a football.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - DiverGuy Underwater

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, […]

Clean Joke of the Day - LepechaunAugusta

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.
“I’m so sorry!” the man said.
“Don’t worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I’m a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. […]

Monday, February 8, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - About Dennis Rodman’s Tattoos

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”. She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about […]

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Life As A Computer

If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all
over!
To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”!
If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend”.
Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.
To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.
To “add/remove” someone in your life, click […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Printer Repair

When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop
where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be
cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might
be better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his […]

Friday, February 5, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Systems Group

To: Management From: Systems Group
Re: Y-to-K Date Change Project Status
We are pleased to report that our staff has completed the 18 months of
“Y-to-K” work, on time, and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic
archives,
and completely modified […]

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - America online

Despite the near flawless achievements of nasa’s pathfinder mission, two
things caught my eye:
* There was a potentially significant modem-synchronizing problem between
sojourner and pathfinder early on in the mission. * The first images the mars
pathfinder transmitted back to earth came at a mere 2,250 bps.
Perhaps the scientists at jpl should use a local Internet provider instead […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Eclipse

An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse
of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he’s captured by
cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he
plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he’s not released,
but […]

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Insert disk2

An IBM customer had troubles in installing software and rang for support, “I
put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk and I
had. Some problems with that disk when it said put in the third disk - I
couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that […]

THE TWELVE KEYS OF WEBaholics

F1: …admit that we have no life.
F2: …believe that a Power greater than ourselves can either restore us to
sanity or provide us with unlimited, no-cost Internet dial-up.
F3: …made a decision to turn our lives over to that Great Webmaster In The
Sky (”GWITS”).
F4: …performed a searching moral inventory with the Web search engine of our
choice.
F5: …admitted […]

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Air Force One crashes

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the
Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got
there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a
burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service
descended upon the smoking hulk but […]

Clean Joke of the Day - The blind skydiver

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how
this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed
in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on
my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”
“But how […]

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Giving sad news to a troop

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private
Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.
Smith, report […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Requesting a three day pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day
pass.
The CO says “Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already
want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!”
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked […]

Monday, January 25, 2010

Bill in Hell

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve
been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been
selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good
mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Three Engineers

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of
the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be
wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the
car and trying to trace where a fault […]

Friday, January 22, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - I own the fastest car

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on […]

Clean Joke of the Day - The very bad accident

Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, “Here, maybe you’d like a nip to calm your nerves.” “Thanks,” he said, and took a long pull from the container. “Here, you have one, too,” he added, handing back […]

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Jeep

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back
road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the
wheel. “Your jeep stuck, sir?” asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
“Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, “Yours is.”

Clean Joke of the Day - The New Car

Once upon a yesterday afternoon, I had to pick up my we’re do well brother
because his car broke down. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I wanted to
show off this cool new car I got, so I agreed. I left work at about five o
clocks and I went to the gas station before I […]

Clean Joke of the Day - A Teenager is…

A Teenager is… A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets
a phone number. A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars
before breakfast. A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends
it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday. Someone who
can hear a song […]

Clean Joke of the Day - What time is it?

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
time to get a new watch! or, Time to realize that would never happen!

Clean Joke of the Day - Things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving

“Whew, that’s one terrific spread!”
“I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.”
“Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
“Talk about a huge breast!”
“It’s Cool Whip time!”
“If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!”
“Are you ready for seconds yet?”
“Are you going to come again next time?”
“It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat […]

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - A man walks into a hamburger shop

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the
waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s
a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress,
“Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”
So, […]

Mommy & “Uncle” Frank

It’s Saturday morning and Bob’s just about to set off on a
round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and
phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Corporate America

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance
level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.
The game of choice for middle management is tennis.
The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.
Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are,
the smaller your balls are.

Clean Joke of the Day - Bottle opener

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be opened by the time she brings it to
you!

Clean Joke of the Day - Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and
he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.
Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and
said, “Hello ladies!”

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Goose & Lawyer

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can’t do and a lawyer should do?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Clean Joke of the Day - Kangaroo + Leap Year =

What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a calendar?
A leap year!

Clean Joke of the Day - Elephant Farts Vs. Saloon

What’s the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart?
One’s a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOM!

Clean Joke of the Day - The Three Ugly Ducklings

One day in a small redneck town in the middle of nowhere sat a lonely bartender in an empty bar. As he was getting ready to close down, three ducks walked through the front doors. They waddled on over to the bar and grabbed a stool.
The bartender walked over them looked at the first […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Heffahump

How do you stop a dog who’s humping your leg?
Whack him off!

Monday, January 18, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - YouBeRedneck…Bambi

You might be a redneck if ”Bambi” made you hungry for rabbit!

Clean Joke of the Day - Seagull’sResting Place

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, ”Dad, what happened to the birdie?”
His dad told him, ”Son, the bird died and went to heaven.”
Then the boy asked, ”Did God throw him back down?”

Clean Joke of the Day - NameAnimal, Kids

Eddie’s first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, “What animal is this?”
“A cat!” said Suzy.
“Good job! Now, what’s this animal?”
“A dog!” said Ricky.
“Good! Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Turkey Rhythm

Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had his own drumsticks!

Clean Joke of the Day - PopCaptheGluts

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good. He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral of the story is: when you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Jumpin’ Funny

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could jump high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence.
But he was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.
The next day, a twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he got out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Attempted Murder

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer […]

Clean Joke of the Day - A champion jockey is about

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a
new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and
says, ”All you have to remember with this horse is that every
time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’
really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that,
you’ll be fine.”
The jockey […]

Saving the Oppossum!

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. […]

Clean Joke of the Day - Monkey Car Crash

There once was a cop who was surveying a car crash.
There were two people that had died in the crash. When he saw a monkey come out of the wreck the cop said “Man I wish you could talk,” the cop told the monkey.
“Then you could tell me what happened.”
“Oh but I can,” replied the […]

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Examination

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant — about 4 months, would be my guess.”

The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”

Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?” The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss it this time!”

Clean Joke of the Day - Horse

A wife hit her husband with a frying pan.
Husband: What was that for..?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Training to be detectives

A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. `This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?’
The first Singh answers, `That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!’ The policeman says, `Well…uh.. .that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.’
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, `This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?’
The second Singh smiles and says, `Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!’
The policeman angrily responds,
`What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?’
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, `This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, `Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.’
The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, `The suspect wears contact lenses.’ The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. `Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.’
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
`Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?`
`That’s easy,’ the Singh replied. `He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.’

Clean Joke of the Day - Water in the Glass

A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty.

What would people of different professions and walks of life say?

The BANKER would say that the glass has just under 50% of its net worth in liquid assets.

The GOVERNMENT would say that the glass is fuller than if the opposition party were in power.

The OPPOSITION would say that it is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.

The ECONOMIST would say that, in real terms, the glass is 25% fuller than at the same time last year.

The PHILOSOPHER would say that, if the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?

The PSYCHIATRIST would ask, “What did your mother say about the glass?”

The PHYSICIST would say that the volume of this cylinder is divided into two equal parts; one a colorless, odorless liquid, the other a colorless, odorless gas. Thus the cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a gas, one with a liquid.

The SEASONED DRINKER would say that the glass doesn’t have enough ice in it.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Watch Those Metal Detectors

A man went to see his probation officer to check in and pay some fines. As he emptied his pockets before going through the metal detector, out came two bags of marijuana. He was arrested and sent back to jail.

Clean Joke of the Day - Sloppy Casing of the Joint

A man cased a bank in Boston for several days before he went in to rob it. When he reached the teller, he pulled out a gun and said in a loud voice, "This is a stick up. Nobody move!" He should have cased the joint a little better because two doors down from the bank was an FBI Field Office. Five FBI agents were in line on their lunch hour waiting to cash their checks.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Don't Commit a Robbery While Intoxicated

A woman arrived home and saw a man breaking into her house. She called her husband, then called the police. The husband rushed home and saw the intoxicated man leaving his house. It was someone he knew. So he went over to talk to him. They chatted by the side of the road long enough for the police to arrive and arrest him.

Clean Joke of the Day - Failed Jail Break

Two inmates were attempting to escape the city jail by crawling through the air conditioning ducts, but fell through the ceiling into the office of the police chief.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - You Know You're Getting Old When

A young teenager, listening to some music his mother was playing asked who the band was. "The Beatles," she told him.

"Oh. Who's in the group?"

When his mother told him, he said with surprise, "I didn't know Paul McCartney had a group before Wings!"

Clean Joke of the Day - Girlie Wisdom

One of the mysteries of life is that a two pound box of chocolates can make you gain five pounds.

The reason women over 50 don't have babies is because we would put them down and forget where we put them.

It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

What happens if you confuse your Valium with your birth control pills?
You have 12 kids, but you don't really care.

Skinny people bug me. They say things like, "Sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my keys, my glasses, my address and my mother's maiden name. But I have never forgotten to eat! You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

What is the best way to forget your troubles? Wear tight clothes.

Why is it harder to lose weight as you get older? Because by that time your body and your fat have become really good friends.

My mind doesn't wander, it leaves completely.

What happens when you leave an outfit hanging in your closet for a while? I shrinks two sizes.

It's nice to live in a small town, because if you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Clean Joke of the Day - Ticket Training Joke

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

Clean Joke of the Day - The Driving Test

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

Clean Joke of the Day - Why I'm Tired

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. Here's why: The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Saddam Hussein. Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice, real nice.

Clean Joke of the Day - Is This a Joke???

Have you ever had one of those customer service calls where you find yourself saying things you don't believe?

This is so priceless....and so easy to see happening, given the state of customer service these days....

My Aunt passed away this past January. Her bank billed her for February and March for their monthly service charge on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, but had now grown to somewhere around $60.00.

I placed the following phone call to the bank:

Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."

Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."

Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"

Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"

Me: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"

Bank:"Do I think God... excuse me, what did you say?"

Me: "Do you understand what I was telling you... specifically the part about her being... dead?"

Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"

(Supervisor gets on the phone)

Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she deceased in January."

Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."

Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"

Bank: ".....(stammer)" .... "Are you her lawyer?"

Me: "No, I'm her great nephew, but feel free to contact her lawyer at: XXX"

Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"

Me: "Sure."

( Later, After they have gotten the fax. )

Bank: "Our system just isn't setup to handle this..."

Me: "Oh..."

Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."

Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her... I suppose...don't really think she will care...."

Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."

Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"

Bank: "That might help."

Me: "Fredrickson Memorial Cemetery, Hwy 19 and plot number 233."

Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"

Me: "Yes sir, that's what we do with our departed loved ones."

Clean Joke of the Day - Made Where?

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Duck Heaven

Once upon a time there was three sisters that went to duck heaven. St. Patrick welcomed them and said, "We are happy to have you here in Duck Heaven, but I warn you if you step on a duck in Duck Heaven you will be chained to the ugliest man on Earth!" So, the three girls were really careful where they stepped.

After a week the first girl stepped on a duck...so, she was chained to the ugliest man on Earth! After a month the second sister stepped on a duck...so, she was chained to the second ugliest man on the Earth! After a year in Duck Heaven the third sister never ever stepped on a duck so St. Patrick said,"You have been very good here in Duck Heaven so we have a treat for you!"

So, she was chained to the most handsome and perfect man on the Earth! "What did I do to deserve you?" she asked the man. "Well I don't know about you lady," replied the man. "But I stepped on a duck!!!"

Soldiers Coffee

A little boy who was visiting His grandmother made her some coffee. When she went to take a sip she noticed a little toy soldier at the bottom of the cup. When she asked him about it He told her “it’s like the TV commercial grandma. The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup”.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Clean Jokes - Insurance coverage

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.

"They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

*****

Clean Joke of the Day - Great collection of free jokes.

Look In The Trunk

Clean Joke of the Day

A cop pulls a man over on the road. He comes up to the side of the car and asks the man to roll down the widow. The man inside says,"Why did you pull me over?" and the cop responds "because you were speeding." and to that the man inside the car responds "Oh good, then your not going to look in the trunk."

Friday, January 8, 2010

Clean Jokes the 3 passengers

A small plane was carrying three passengers over a mountain range -- an old man, his grandson, and an eminent scientist.

Suddenly, the pilot burst into the cabin, saying 'The engines have all failed! Grab a parachute and jump from the plane!' With this, the pilot opened the cabin door and leapt out with his parachute.

To their dismay, the 3 passengers discovered only 2 parachutes were left in the cabin!

The Eminent Scientist took a pack, saying 'I'm sorry you two, but I won a Nobel Prize, I am the head of several intellectual Think Tanks -- honestly, I'm worth more to society than either of you'. The Eminent Scientist leapt from the plane.

The Old Man turned to his grandson and said, 'My dear boy, take the last parachute. I've had a good life. Yours has just begun.'

'Don't worry, Grandpa' said the young boy, 'that guy just jumped out the plane with my backpack.'

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Clean joke of the day Airplane Jokes

What They Said . . . And What We Did

According to the story, after every Quantas Airlines flight the pilots complete a 'gripe sheet' report, which conveys to the ground crew engineers any mechanical problems on the aircraft during the flight. The engineer reads the form, corrects the problem, and then writes details of action taken on the lower section of the form for the pilot to review before the next flight. It is clear from the examples below that ground crew engineers have a keen sense of humor - these are supposedly real extracts from gripe forms completed by pilots with the solution responses by the engineers. Incidentally, Quantas has the best safety record of all the world's major airlines.

(1 = The problem logged by the pilot.) (2 = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)
1) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
2) Almost replaced left inside main tire.
1) Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
2) Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
1) Something loose in cockpit.
2) Something tightened in cockpit.
1) Dead bugs on windshield.
2) Live bugs on back-order.
1) Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
2) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
1) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
2) Evidence removed.
1) DME volume unbelievably loud.
2) DME volume set to more believable level.
1) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
2) That's what they're there for.
1) IFF inoperative.
2) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
1) Suspected crack in windshield.
2) Suspect you're right.
1) Number 3 engine missing.
2) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
1) Aircraft handles funny.
2) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
1) Target radar hums.
2) Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
1) Mouse in cockpit.
2) Cat installed.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Clean joke of the day Diving Down Deep

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof pad and pencil, and wrote, “Amazing! How are you able to stay this deep down without equipment?”

The guy took the pencil and pad, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron!”

Clean joke of the day Mad Cow

Two cows are standing around one day when one cow says to the other, “So what do you think about this mad cow disease?” The other cow replies, “What the do I care? I’m a helicopter!”

Clean jokes travel

I like to travel every now and then. You know, see new and exciting places or things. Well, anyway, I recently visited a jungle area where we (the touring group and I) were talking with some natives. I noticed one native gentleman wearing a unique looking necklace, and curious as I am, decided to question him about it.

"What is it made of?" I asked.

"Alligator's teeth," he replied.

"Oh, that's interesting," I said. "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected.

"Anybody can open an oyster."

Clean Jokes

My pastor was recently invited by a member of his congregation to their farm home for dinner. They had just finished an excellent meal (chicken and dumplings, a favorite of mine:) when my pastor saw a rooster strutting through the yard.

"That's certainly a proud-looking rooster," my pastor commented.

"Yes, sir," replied the farmer. "He has reason to be proud: one of his sons just entered the ministry!"

Clean jokes people eat fruit

I enjoy watching people eat fruit. In fact, I sometimes give it away when people visit (oranges especially). I never thought of the legal ramifications of my generosity until recently though, when a lawyer friend visited me.

"You shouldn't give this away so easily" he said. "It's possible a stranger would visit you and partake of your generosity, then later sue you for damages."

"What do you suggest I do?" I asked, quite concerned about the possibility of facing a lawsuit.

"I'd recommend you precede your fruit giving by the following statement" he said, before inhaling a large breath and beginning his discourse.

"Know all men by these presents that I hereby give, grant, bargain, sell, release, convey, transfer, and quitclaim all my right, title, interest, benefit, and use whatever in, of and concerning this chattel, otherwise known as an orange or citrus orantium, together with all the appurtenances thereto of skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice, to have and to hold the said orange together with its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds, and juice for his own use and behoof, to himself and his heirs in fee simple forever, free from a liens, encumbrances, easements, limitations, restraints, or conditions whatsoever, any and all prior deeds, transfers or other documents whatsoever, not or anywhere made to the contrary notwithstanding, with full power to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat the said orange or give away the same, with or without its skin, pulp, pip, rind, seeds or juice.'

Clean Jokes technical support

Have you ever telephoned a company's technical support number to get a problem solved? Well I did recently, but it didn't go very well...

Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring.... Ring.... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Automated Answer (finally):

"Thank you for calling Technical Support."

"All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician."

Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...
Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...
Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...
Hold music... Hold music... Hold music... Hold music...

Ring... (All right! They must be transferring me...) Ring…

"The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do it now."

Clean jokes An elderly gentleman

An elderly gentleman I know (who loves golfing) recently moved to a new town and joined the local golfing club. But when he went to the Club for the first time to play he was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were all out on the course.

Seeing my friend's disappointment, the assistant pro came over and asked how good a player he was.

"I'm really not that bad," he replied. "The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

The assistant pro decided to try him out. It turned out he did play well, and coming to the par four 18th they were both even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green where he landed 2-putts for a par. My friend had a nice drive also, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the sand trap he hit a high ball which landed on the green... and rolled right into the hole! It was a Birdie and he won the game.

The pro walked over to the sand trap where my friend was still standing.

"Nice shot" he said, "but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?".

"I do. Could you please give me a hand?" my friend asked.

Clean joke of the day motorists

We've all been passed by motorists on the road going much faster than we were. But you can imagine my shock at recently being passed by a speeding lady going down the middle of the road's dotted line at a truly breakneck speed (at least 100 mph, on only a two lane road)!

The danger she proposed was high, so you can imagine my relief when I passed her later on down the road parked in front of a car with whirling lights. Their conversation went something like this...

"License and Registration please," the officer asked.

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," said the lady, smiling.

"Yeah, right!" he replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

The lady reached into her purse and handed him her license.

"Just as I suspected," the officer said, "this is an ordinary license, and I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

But the lady, still smiling, pointed to the bottom of the license.

"See? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line.'"

More cute than funny

Today's humor is more cute than funny, but I think you'll still find it enjoyable. Remember back in the good ol' days when everyone made their own butter with the butter churn? Well...

...one day two mice fell into a deep cream bowl. One was an optimistic soul. But the other took the gloomy view.

"We're going to drown," he lamented without much ado, and with a last despairing cry, he flung up his legs and said "Goodbye."

"I can't get out but I won't give in, I'll just swim around till my strength is spent, then I'll die the more content," Quoted the other mouse with a steadfast grin.

Bravely he swam to work his scheme, and his struggles began to churn the cream. The more he swam, his legs a flutter, the more the cream turned into butter.

On top of the butter at last he stopped, and out of the bowl he gaily hopped.

Clean joke of the day the guys

Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard?

One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.

"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.

"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.

"Alright. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."

After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

Clean Joke of the day 4-year-old Sammy

Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:

"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.

Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Finally he got to the food.

"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."

And then he paused.

The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.

Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Monday, January 4, 2010

Funny Business Deal Joke

Business Dealing
One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
“I’ll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his [...]

Funny Cars in Heaven Joke

Cars in Heaven
Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first man if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given [...]

Funny Wreckage Joke

“Oh,No!” he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived, he did not know.
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16 year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding [...]

Funny Left Handed Joke

Left Handed
Little Ricky was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God [...]

Funny Truth Joke

Truth
“You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background,” sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
“If I wasn’t under oath, I’d return the compliment,” replied the witness.

Funny Duck Joke

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in
heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the
place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although
they try [...]

Funny Nursing Home Joke

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left
her, hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses
bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a
window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to [...]

Funny Girlfriend Upgrade Joke

Girlfriend 6.1 Upgrade
However, I do like some of the features that you are planning to include in the upcoming Girlfriend 6.1 release:
1. The “Don’t remind me again” button
2. A Minimize button
3. The Shutdown feature
4. An install shield feature so that Girlfriend can be completely uninstalled if necessary (so you don’t lose cache and [...]

4th of July Joke – Stamp Act

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

4th of July Joke – Stamp Act

What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?
The Americans licked the British!

Funny Why are we Here Joke

Why Are We Here?
So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next
to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I,
watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad,
why are we here?”
And this is what I said:
“I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s
all that complicated. [...]

4th of July Joke – Paul Revere

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?
Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
More 4th of July Jokes, etc

Joke – Ideas from across the Pond

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts
to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy
them back for fifty pence.
Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black &
Decker “Dustbuster.” The zombies will then wander aim-
lessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods
at a more leisurely pace.
Create instant [...]

4th of July Joke

Why did the British cross the Atlantic?
To get to the other tide!
4th of July Quotes

Relative Joke

Time is Relative
A fellow went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So the fellow decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
“What you should do is [...]

4th of July Joke

What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
More 4th of July jokes

Funny Operator Joke

Sweet grandmother telephoned Mary Hitchcock Memorial Hospital. She timidly asked,
‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is
doing?’
The operator said, ‘I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name
and room number?’
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room
302.’
The operator replied, ‘Let [...]

4th of July Joke – Liberty Bell

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?
Yeah, it cracked me up!
4th of July Stories, Jokes, etc.

4th of July Jokes

What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet? At the chopping mall! 4th of July Jokes

What did Paul Revere say at the end of his ride?
“I gotta get a softer saddle!”

Funny 4th of July Jokes

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?
At the chopping mall!

Funny 4th of July Jokes

What was General Washington’s favourite tree?
The infantry

Funny 4th of July Colonists Joke

Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians!

Funny 4th of July Jokes – One Liners

What would you get if you crossed Washington’s home with nasty insects?
Mt. Vermin!
What did a patriot put on his dry skin?
Revo-lotion!
What would you get if you crossed a dog with the Father of Our Country?
George Washingtongue!

Funny 4th of July Flag Jokes

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
What’s red, white, black and blue?
Uncle Sam falling down the steps!

Funny Humorscopes Jokes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – You still have way too much to do. You
always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be
able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – In a surprising twist, the failure of
another large London-based bank will [...]

4th of July Jokes

4th of July Jokes

Funny Jokes – 4th of July Jokes
How is a healthy person like the United States?
They both have good constitutions!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?
Beneduck Arnold!
What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?
The Liberty Bellhop!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!
What was General Washington’s favorite tree?
The infantry!
What protest [...]

Funny Speeding Joke

Speeding?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an
hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following
her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles
following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she
looked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted [...]

Funny Economy Joke

The top 12 signs the economy is bad
12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the [...]

Funny Lost Homework Joke

Lost Homework
Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was
wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about
your homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my
homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,
just this once, [...]

Funny Cowboy Jokes

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho ,
and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
[...]

Funny Sale Joke

Sale
“I see you went crazy at the big summer
clearance sale,” Wanda comments, as
she looks at all the bags of merchandise
[...]

Funny Boyfriend Joke

New Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her
parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket,
motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their
concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very
nice.”
“Oh please, Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, [...]

Funny Joke of the Day

Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what was
wrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not about
your homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made my
homework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,
just this once, I’ll let [...]

Funny Can’t Sleep Joke

Can’t Sleep
The senior civil servant went to the doctor and complained of being unable to sleep.
Doctor: ‘Oh! Don’t you sleep at night?’
Civil servant: ‘Yes, I sleep very well at night. And I sleep quite soundly most of the mornings, too – but I find it’s very difficult to sleep in the afternoons [...]

Funny Pool Jokes

Fun Activities for the Pool
- Scream as someone is jumping off of a diving board.
- Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.
- Tell people you saw the lifeguard peeing in the pool.
- Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.
- Try to negotiate the price of getting in.
- Take a really [...]

Funny Jokes

If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is
transportation!

Funny Trix Rabbit Joke

TRIX RABBIT 1958-2006
On August 17, 2006 the famous Trix rabbit finally got the children’s cereal he so craved, and was able to eat it without anyone stopping him. Within minutes, he went into toxic shock and died. Unbeknownst to him, many ingredients in the cereal were poisonous to rabbits.
“We tried again and again to warn [...]

Funny Hippie Joke

What Gives?
An old hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up in his big book and says, “I’m sorry, but you’ll be going down to Hell.” The hippie, astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.
“God!” he says. “What gives? Remember that time I was tripping [...]

Funny Jokes

At a Cafeteria
It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly lady sitting at
the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young
woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice “Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than [...]

Funny Joke

Problem Solved?
A carpet installer was laying new living room carpeting in a large mansion. After laboriously pulling, stretching, and tacking the carpet, he finally finished, and gratefully sat back to enjoy a cigarette.
Reaching into his shirt pocket, however, he found that his cigarettes were gone, and looking toward the center of the room, he [...]

Funny God Joke

Creation
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, “Lord, we don’t need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.”
“Oh, is that so? Tell me…” replies God.
“Well, ” says the scientist, “we [...]

Funny Jokes

Modern age grocery store
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh [...]

Funny Jokes

Great Steaks
A guy had told all of his friends about the great steak he’d eaten
downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if it was really as large and delicious as he was making it out to be.
The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking [...]

Funny Jokes

Found It!
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his
driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens
was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the
lens in her hand.
“How did you manage to find it, Mom?” the teenager asked.
“We weren’t looking for the [...]

Funny Rancher Joke

A rancher needs a bull to service his cows
A rancher needs a bull to service his cows but needs to borrow the money from the bank. The banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and wont [...]

Funny Horse Joke

Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best
of breed.
The first says, “I’ll grant you are the closest I have ever
seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than
yours, and, you know, the legs are of prime importance. No
foot, no horse!”
The second horse says, “I’ll allow your legs are [...]

Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital

Funny Jokes – The State Mental Hospital
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If [...]

Funny Dog Joke

Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
If it itches, you can reach it.
And, no matter [...]

Funny Horse in the House Joke

HORSE IN THE HOUSE
Joe was trying to lead a horse in the street, but was having much trouble getting the horse’s cooperation. A passerby stopped and asked if he could help. Joe was grateful and gladly accepted.
After much pushing and shoving, they finally got the horse to the front door of Joe’s department. Joe [...]

Funny Inheritance Joke

The Old Perfesser (TM, dammit!) poses the following problem to one of
his classes:
“A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go
to his daughter, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his
brother, and the rest to his wife. Now, what does each get?”
After a very long silence in the classroom, [...]

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Funny Jokes Joke of the Day

A Canadian preacher was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play.
‘Here’s a copy of the service,’ he said impatiently. ‘But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.’ During the service, the minister paused and said, ‘Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.’
At that moment, the substitute organist played, *’O Canada.’

*And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

=========

*Give me a sense of humour, Lord,
* *Give me the grace to see a joke,
* *To get some humour out of life,
* *And pass it on to other folk!*

Joke of the Day – Time to Rest

TIME

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city’s major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.

“Yes?”

“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”

The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15″. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.

“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”

“8:25!”

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”

Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.

“Sir, sir? It’s 8:45!”

Christmas Gifts

Joke of the Day – What To Say About That “Special” Christmas Gift

Christmas Humor

Hey! There’s a gift!

Well, well, well …

Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would’ve fit.

This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

If the dog buries it, I’ll be furious!

I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

I really don’t deserve this.

It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.

Joke of the Day – Jewish Grandmother – Directions

Funny Jokes – Jewish Grandmother – Directions

A Jewish grandmother giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: “You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell”.

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow”?

“You’re coming empty handed?”

Real Estate Sales

The real estate salesman

A Real Estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of land he had sold was completely under water.

“That customer’s going to come back here pretty mad,” he said to his boss. “Should I give him his money back?”

“Money back?” roared the boss. “What kind of salesman are you? Get out there and sell him a houseboat.”

Signs Of Christmas

Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale.
Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000.
Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything…
a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

Urgent Boycott News!

Urgent Boycott News!
At last; a cause that I can really support!

Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are sellouts to a foreign company.

Drop your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it for you. We’ll teach them!

A Lonely Frog

A lonely frog, desperate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.

His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, “You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled and says, “This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?”……………”No” says the psychic, “in a Biology class.”

Joke of the Day – Breakable

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

‘Is there anything breakable in here?’ asked the postal clerk.

*’Only the Ten Commandments.’* answered the lady.

Two Kinds of People – Joke of the Day

‘Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, *’Good morning, Lord,’*and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, *’Good Lord, it’s morning.’

Funny Quotes – Insults

The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.
– William Keegan

Funny Quotes – Insults

A sophisticated rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity.
– Benjamin Disraeli

Joke of the Day – Building Fund

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: ‘I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, *it’s still out there in your pockets.’

Joke of the Day – Long Holiday Weekend

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weeend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
‘Reverend,’ said the young man, ‘I’m so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.’ The minister chuckled, ‘I know what you mean. *It’s the same in my
business.’

Joke of the Day – Sunday After Church

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, *’Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.’* Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said, *’Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.’

Labor Day Jokes

Labor Day Jokes

Father: Do you know, most people don’t have to work today, because it’s Labor Day.
Son: If people are not working, shouldn’t we call today ‘No Labor Day?’

Labor Day Joke

Quote of the Day

I didn’t like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions – the curtain was up.

Groucho Marx

Show and Tell

In Great Detail

One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, “Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?”

“Nothing like that,” the airman said. “I’m going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his
second-grade class for show-and-tell!”

Joke of the Day – Alabama

Alabama


The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head”.

Yep”, he replied. “That’s why I’m dumpin it here, cause it says

‘Fine For Dumping Garbage’.

Joke of the Day – Louisiana

Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying… ‘When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.’

When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Mississippi

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, ‘Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!’

Bubba replied, ‘Did you see who it was?’

The young man answered,
‘I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.’

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Georgia

Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I -75. The trooper asked,

‘Got any I. D.?’

The driver replied, ‘Bout whut?’

TENNESSEE

TENNESSEE


A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, ‘I got a flat tare.’

The passerby asked, ‘But what’s with the flowers?’

The man responded, ‘When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make no sense to me neither.’

Funny Jokes

crotchety old fellow

Tommy was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his wife. He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.

“Tommy!! Tommy!! Put down that paper and let’s talk about how we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today. What do you suggest?”

Tommy put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared for a moment into the distance, then said, “How about two minutes of silence?”

Funny Quotes – Insults

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
– Frederic Raphael

Joke of the Day – Liars

Liars

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

“Next Sunday,” she said, “we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark.”

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, “Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room.”

About half the class rose and came forward.

“The rest of you may leave,” said the teacher. “These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no
Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark.”

Funny Jokes

Ronald McDonald

How can you find Ronald McDonald at a nude beach? He’s the one with the sesame seed buns!

Funny Quotes – Insults

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
– Ada Leverson

Funny Quotes – Insults

He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
– Oliver Goldsmith

Funny Jokes

Inner Peace

“The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished….and before getting to my work this morning I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, my Prozac, some valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel…. You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace…

Funny Quotes – Insults

I worship the quicksand he walks in.
– Art Buchwald

Funny Jokes – Silly Jokes

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”

Funny Jokes

Black and White…..

(Under age 40? You won’t understand.) You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV set, “Good Night, David. Good Night, Chet.” Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Andy and Opie – or Ward and June. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoy’s, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys, Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane. Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night! — Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives… Good guys always won the fights. Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept, A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They’d never make the network now. But if I could, I’d rather be In a TV town in ‘53. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.

I’d trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonight To when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!

Funny Jokes

Fallen!

I recall a time when my son was about 18 months old… I had him strapped in a backpack and was rushing to catch the bus. Apparently I misstepped and fell down an entire flight of stairs, (13 to be exact). I was bruised, bleeding and I had torn my jeans… but my main concern was, naturally for my child.

My fears were alleviated though, when from behind me I heard a gleeful giggle followed by, “Again!”

Funny Jokes

What Does Love Mean???

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” …Rebecca – age 8 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” …Billy – age 4 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” …Karl – age 5

Funny Jokes

A Catholic school teacher was asking her students what they want to be when they grow up.

“I want to be a fireman!” said John.

“Oh, very good John. Community service for the Lord!” the teacher praised.

“I want to be a nurse!” said Jane.

“Excellent! You can be a healer just like Jesus was!” the teacher cooed.

Then little Mary stood up and said: “I want to be a prostitute!”

At this, the teacher fainted on the spot. After a while, she regained her senses. She marched right up to Mary and demanded: “WHAT.. DID YOU JUST SAY?”

“I said, I want to be a prostitute!” replied Mary.

“Oh, thank heavens! For a moment, I thought you said you want to be a Protestant!”

Temperature’s Rising

TWO good ol’ boys were discussing the summer heat. “It’s been so hot
at my place that I’ve had to give my chickens shaved ice to keep them
from laying hard-boiled eggs,” said one.

“That’s nothin’,” said the other. “This morning I saw my dog chasing a
jackrabbit up the road, and they were both walking.”

Tater Talk

A FRIEND who owns a store in town decided to try his hand at gardening. He
planted potatoes and spent a lot of time nurturing his plants. Come harvest, he
had an excellent crop–in fact, some of the potatoes were so large he decided to
display them in his storefront window.

A passerby saw the huge vegetables and came inside to ask if he could buy a
bushel of those potatoes. “I can’t sell you a bushel,” the owner replied. “I’m
not cutting one of my potatoes in half for anyone!”

Listen to the Doctor

HANK SMITH became so ill his wife, Lizzie, sent for the doctor. When
Hank heard the doc enter the house, he closed his eyes and didn’t
move. Doc looked him over and declared in a loud voice, “Why, this
man’s dead!”

At that, Hank’s eyes flew open and he yelled at the doctor, “I ain’t
dead!” Lizzie hushed him up. “Now, Hank, you be quiet,” she
scolded. “Doc knows a lot more about these things than you do.”

Test of Strength

BILL THE BRAGGER was at the county fair telling anyone who would
listen about his athletic prowess. No one would challenge him until
a stranger piped up. “I’ll wager you $50 I can push something in a
wheelbarrow for 20 yards and you won’t be able to wheel it back,”
the stranger said.

Bill looked at the skinny fellow and decided it wasn’t much of a
challenge. “I’ll take you on,” he replied. They borrowed a
wheelbarrow and took it to the starting point. “Let’s see what
you’re made of,” Bill taunted. “Okay,” the stranger answered matter-
of-factly. “Get in.”

Not Bottle Babies

THREE MEN were in the hospital waiting room. The nurse came in and
said, “Mr. Brown, you are now the father of twins.” Mr. Brown
grinned. “How about that–I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

A little later, the nurse came back and said, “Mr. Green, you are
the father of triplets.” Mr. Green beamed. “Well wouldn’t you just
know it,” he said. “I work for 3M.”

When the nurse came back again, the third guy turned white and
passed out. Mr. Brown and Mr. Green carried him to a sofa, and the
nurse revived him. “Are you all right?” she asked. “I’m not sure,”
the fellow admitted. “You see, I work at the 7-Up bottling plant!”

Something Smells Fishy

DID YOU HEAR about the man who fashions purses out of dried fish
skins? He’s the only guy we know of who’s in the business of carp to
carp walleting.

Client Confusion

A FARMER went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the
following discussion took place.

Attorney: “Well, do you have grounds?”

Farmer: “Yes, I have about 140 acres.”

Attorney: “No, you dont understand. Do you have a case?”

Farmer: “No, but I have a John Deere.”

Attorney: “You still dont understand. I mean, do you have a grudge?”

Farmer: “Yes, sir–thats where I keep my John Deere.”

Attorney: “No, no! I mean do you have a suit?”

Farmer: “Yes, sir–I wear it to church every Sunday.”

Attorney: “Well, does your wife beat you up?”

Farmer: “No, sir. We both get up at 4:30.”

Attorney: “All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you
want a divorce?”

Farmer: “Well, I never have been able to have a meaningful
conversation with that woman.”

Mom’s Special Brownie Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear
from oven and tell Jr., “No, no.”

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can
away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from
Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages
to scratches sustained while removing shortening from
cat’s tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups
sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and
open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take
telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line
the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to
have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, ½ cup nuts and beat all
ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour
mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from
Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved
cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there’s
still time and he’s still able to run away.

FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar,
1 oz unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine Take the
darn teddy bear out of the broiler and throw it away
– far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to
nice policeman that you didn’t know Jr. had slipped
out of the house and was heading down the street. Put
Jr. in playpen.

Famous Quotes

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring
constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to
neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man’s
front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined
carpet.

Remove burned brownies from oven. Collapse
and call the baker for delivery.

The race horse

Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man
from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a
six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but
which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and
paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing
and questioned the owner. “Is this horse unsound?”
they asked.

“Not a bit,” said the owner.

“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you
never raced him before?”

“Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “We couldn’t even
catch the critter until he was five years old.”

Are you an internet junkie?

You know you are an addicted internet junkie if…

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, “LOL, LOL.”

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of
ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can “hang out.”

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say “he he he he” or “heh heh heh” instead of laughing.

13. You say “SCROLL UP” when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant
message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore
button handy.

17. You start to experience “withdrawal” after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….”Where did the time go??”

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. …..You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. Your shoes are suddenly 2 sizes too small.

23. You think faster than the computer.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and **
kisses**.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. You’re on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

28. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this….”BRB. Leave
your S/N and I’ll TTYL ASAP.”

29. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on
instead.

30. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-life.

Fish Story with a Bang

Fish Story with a Bang

THERE WAS a man who fished every day and always came back with a
good catch. Eventually, the game warden decided this guy must be
doing something illegal. So the warden put on old clothes and made
friends with the man. “I’ve noticed you always catch fish,” the
warden said. “Can I go out with you?” The fisherman
shrugged. “Sure,” he replied. “See you here at 5 a.m. tomorrow.”

The next day, they went fishing together. The fisherman steered his
boat into a remote part of the lake, then stopped. He opened his
tackle box, took out a stick of dynamite, lit the fuse and threw it
into the water. After it went off, dozens of stunned fish floated to
the surface.

The warden was astounded. “I caught you red-handed,” he said. “I’m
the game warden, and you’re under arrest.” The fisherman said
nothing. He reached into his tackle box, took out another stick of
dynamite, lit the fuse and handed it to the warden. The fisherman
then asked him, “You going to talk or fish?”

Senior’s Sharing

An elderly couple toddled into the local McDonalds and
ordered one combo meal. The wife carefully cut the sandwich
in two and began to eat her half. The husband respectfully
sat and watched.

The eating did not progress quickly, and soon the other
customers bagan to notice. Finally one helpful person
offered to buy the couple another meal. The offer was
rejected with the explanation, “We share everything.”

Eventually another could stand it no longer and made the
same offer. Same rejection: “No thank you, we share
everything.”

After this had gone on for what seemed to be quite a while,
one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man,
“Then why aren’t you eating? What are you waiting for?”

The reply: “The teeth.”

Take heed

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, ” Is my time up”? God said, “No. You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?”

God replied, “Girrrlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you!”

Worried to Death

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit
from one of her fellow church members.

“How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.

“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”

“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked. “You look like
you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?”

“Yes, they are taking very good care of me.”

“Are you in any pain?” she asked.

“No, I have never had a pain in my life.”

“Well, what are you worried about?” her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her
major worry.

“Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to
heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”

How come?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able
to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our lives we
could simply press ‘Ctrl-Alt-Delete’ and start all over?
AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court, when the Ten
Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden

They say (?) that the word golf came from the acronym Gentlemen only, ladies
fordidden.

This is about a golf addict:

Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in
love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to
dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the
relationship. Ed began by saying to his new lady friend that meant so much
to him, “It’s only fair to warn you that I’m a complete and utter golf nut.
I eat, sleep and breath golf…. so if that’s a problem, you’d better say so
right now”.

“Well, since we’re being honest with each other, here goes,” she replied.
“I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” replied Ed, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, “You know,
it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you tee
off.”

Kids Say the darndest things

Say Your Prayers

UNANSWERED PRAYER? The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her
father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his
sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his
messages, “I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.

BEING THANKFUL A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your
mother says your prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she
say?”

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

EXPRESS PRAYER Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving,
Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer
over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather
(to our son’s surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a
gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, “You don’t
pray so long when you’re hungry, do you Grandpa?”

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was
a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary’s mother was horrified. She
pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Gary, whatever made you
do such a thing?”

Gary answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle … and just
then He did!”

TIME TO PRAY A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

“Yes sir,” the boy replied.

“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor >>> asked.

“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”

THE BLESSING My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the
blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” she replied. “Just say what you
hear >>> Mommy say,” my wife said.

Our daughter bowed her head and said, “Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite
all these people to dinner?”

BEWARE OF TRASH One particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our
‘trash baskets’ as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS? When my daughter, Kelli, was 3, she and my son, Cody,
would say their nightly prayers, together. As most children do, we have to
bless >>> every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and
past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would
say, “And all girls.”

As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end,
my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always
add the part about all girls?”

Her response, “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”

SAY A PRAYER Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother’s house Everyone was seated around the table as the food was
being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right
away.

“Johnny wait until we say our prayer.” “I don’t have to,” The boy replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer, before eating,
at our house.”

“That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she
knows how to cook!

Travel Brochure Terms (translated)

Old world charm (Room and a bath)

Tropical (Rainy)

Majestic setting (A long way from town, at end of dirt road)

Options galore (Nothing is included in the itinerary)

Secluded hideaway (Directions to the location are unclear)

Some budget rooms (Sorry, already occupied)

Explore on your own (At your own expense)

Knowledgeable trip hosts (They’ve flown in an airplane
before)

No extra fees (No extras)

Nominal fee (Outrageous charge)

Standard (Sub-standard)

Deluxe (Barely Standard)

Superior accommodations (One complimentary chocolate, free
shower cap)

All the amenities (Two chocolates, two shower caps)

Plush (Both top and bottom sheets)

Gentle breezes (In hurricane alley)

Light and airy (No air conditioning)

Picturesque (Theme park nearby)

24-hour bar (Ice cubes at additional cost – when available)

Joke of the Day – Funny Jokes

S I G N S

Inside a bowling alley, “Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria, “Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

Why don’t pumpkins smoke? They’re on the patch.

If moths are attracted to bright lights, how come they sleep during the day?

The Power of a Wife

You’ve all heard of the Air Force’s ultra-high-security ,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as “Area 51?”

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their “secret” base.

They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot
into an interrogation room. The pilot’s story was that he took off from
Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of
fuel.

The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the
pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn’t a spy.

They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
“you-did-not- see-a-base” briefing, complete with threats of spending the
rest o f his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again.

Once again, the MP’s surrounded the plane… only this time
there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, “Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was
last night.”

Ten Reasons to just vacation at home

Top 10 Reasons to vacation at home

According to Thomas Cook in the UK, some holiday makers are just never satisfied.

Here are the top ten most bizarre and genuine customer complaints received by the firm in recent years:

1 On my holiday to Goain India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.

2 The beach was too sandy.

3 I bought a snorkel and swimming mask for my six-year-old son, but he was too upset to use them as the fish frightened him.

4 It rained on my birthday.

5 Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women.

6 I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts.

7 It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during ’siesta’ time – this should be
banned.

8 We bought ‘Ray-Ban’ sunglasses for five euros (=A33.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

9 None of the hotel staff was English, and the tea didn’t taste the same as at home.

10 I would like to complain about the price of alcohol in the resort. It was too cheap and I woke with a hangover every day.

Proud Papa

Proud Papa

When our son was four months old, I caught sight of my husband in another room, holding the baby on his lap, talking to him and pointing. I was touched by this father-son bonding and went into the room to eavesdrop.

“Baseball,” my husband said slowly, pointing to the television.
“This is Yankee baseball.”

Sir Lancelot

Sir Lancelot

When he retired, Sir Lancelot took the bag of gold that King Arthur gave him and invested it in a women’s sleepwear company. Thereafter he was known as the Nightie Knight.

Female Drivers

A Word To The Wise about Female Drivers

More Funny Jokes

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder.

This evidently pissed the driver off enough that he hung out his window and gave her the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here’s why:

I drive 38 miles each way every day to work, that’s 76 miles. Of these, 16 each way is bumper-to-bumper; most of the bumper-to-bumper is on 8 lane highway. So if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like one car very 40 feet per lane. That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars on the areas not bumper-to-bumper.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding, that’s 449. According to the National Institutes of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. 34% describe men as their biggest problem, that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of giving her the finger!